“O LORD, you have probed me and you know me.”
Today’s readings bring a wave of peace, acceptance, and intimacy over me. My mind wanders to all the ways our world tries to hide. We sometimes put on masks of confidence. We cover up our blemishes, we try to hide our failures. We feel the constant need to be perfect and sometimes we pretend that we are. We are afraid to be truly seen and truly known.
Personally, it has taken a long time for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. At a young age, I struggled with an eating disorder. In high school, I would wake up at an ungodly hour to do my hair and makeup for the day. Fast forward to college, my roommates and best friends had to hide my makeup when I decided to give it up for Lent. I’m constantly battling between being seen as I am or as I wish to be.
Throughout the years I have learned to be just as confident with a bare face as I am all done up.
I have learned to love my body and take care of it.
But sometimes, I still struggle to be seen. Not so much with physical appearance anymore, but more so spiritually. I get anxious to show God my bare heart. The heart that isn’t always pretty and glamorous. The heart that aches and hurts. I worry that there’s too many blemishes, too much nonsense for Him to handle, the same old garbage on this heart again and again— just too much”.
The wave of beauty and affirmation that washes over me sings:
“O LORD, you have probed me and you know me; you know when I sit and when I stand; you understand my thoughts from afar… I give you thanks that I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works. See if my way is crooked, and lead me in the way of old.”
When I think of those who know me deeply, memories of best friends flash before my eyes. Times when you know someone so well that you can give them a look and they know exactly what you are thinking. I can recall times where I believed no one understood me. Not one person could relate to me and I was isolated and alone.
How mind-blowing it is to recall the TRUTH that God sees me and He knows me. There is not one day or one second that I can be misunderstood, unseen, or ignored. He knows my every moment, my every thought and my every word. He has not made us bad or imperfect, but GOOD. He has made us FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY.
It takes courage to let the Lord love you. To see your bare heart no longer hidden or cover it up. It takes vulnerability. When this happens we can grow in love and intimacy with the Lord. Someone once told me intimacy sounds like “ into me see”. This is fitting because when you allow yourself to be seen- love builds.
If your heart is crooked today, do not fear.
He desires to lead you and make your path straight.
He sees you- He knows you. He loves you.
Briana is a Catholic Doctrine teacher at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel school in Cleveland, OH. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Theology and Catechetics from the Franciscan University of Steubenville, OH and is excited to use these skills to bring her students closer to Christ and His Church. “My soul has been refined and I can raise my head like a flower after a storm.” -St. Therese